boakes.org

Bird Flu has reached Britain; smuggled in by a parrot who’s been living in quarantine for a few months. The quarantine is such that even the air is filtered, so there’s no threat to the public, but that’s not stopped the tabloid papers and 24 hour news channels from reporting it at length. It’s a media frenzy.

Looking into the threat I was surprised at how small it really is; it’s not negligible, but it’s not likly to be the plague that is being hyped.

If the A/H5N1 strain of the virus reaches Britain in the wild, and if it mutates to a form that can transfer between humans, then the predicted death toll is estimated to be 50,000 (see page 8). This is certainly not to be sniffed at, but, compare that to the 114,000 deaths that are estimated to occur every year due to smoking and the size of the threat becomes apparent.

It could have been any bird; but a parrot? Cue Messers Cleese and Palin:

Quarantine Officer: I wish to complain about this parrot what was imported not half a year ago from this very boutique.
Importer: Oh yes, the, uh, the South American Blue… What’s, uh… What’s wrong with it?
Quarantine Officer: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘E’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!
Importer: No, no, ‘e’s uh… he’s resting.
Quarantine Officer: ‘E’s not restin’! ‘E’s passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the perch ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile! This is an ex-parrot!