Tell me a joke….

Tell me a joke. No really; please, tell me a joke. A good one. I feel the need to hear a pants-wettingly-funny story. It can be your favourite, or one you overheard on the bus. Anything that genuinely approaches bladder-failure material will receive the honour of making it through moderation and will appear for public enjoyment.

43 Comments

chris bristow says:

09/06/2005 at 12:58

Mein Hund hat keine Nase. Wie riecht er? Schrecklich.

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- kate says:
  
  16/07/2010 at 11:40
  
  Das war wirklich lustig!!
  
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rich boakes says:

17/06/2005 at 19:14

A pirate clumps into a bar with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel attached to his trousers.

The bartender says, “You’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Yaarrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

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Mark Reeves says:

24/06/2005 at 12:18

I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: “Hello mate, how are you going?” I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied “Yeah, not too bad thanks.”

After a short pause, I heard the voice again “So, what are you up to mate?” Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied “Umm, just having a quick poo… How about yourself?”

I then heard the voice for the third time …

“Sorry mate, I’ll have to call you back. I’ve got some d*ckhead in the loo next to me answering everything I say.”

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James Miller says:

05/07/2005 at 21:06

Q. What’s bread?
A. Raw toast

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Steve says:

12/07/2005 at 12:26

Did you hear that Sky Sports are showing live coverage of the World Origami Championships tonight?

I’d love to watch it, but unfortunately it’s on paper view…

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Emma says:

15/07/2005 at 15:06

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman “have you got any bread?”. The barman says “We dont sell bread I’m afraid, this is a pub, we sell beer”. The duck leaves.

The next day the walks back into the same bar and asks the same barman “have you got any bread?”. The barman looks a little annoyed and says “Like I told you yesterday, we dont do bread, we’re a pub”, so the duck leaves.

The next day the same duck walks into the same bar, and asks the same barman “have you got any bread?”.
The barman looks really annoyed and says “Look we dont do bread, we’re a pub and if you keep coming in here asking for bread I’ll nail your beak to the bar” so the duck leaves.

The following day the duck once again walks into bar. He asks the barman “have you got any nails?”. The barman looks perplexed and replies “No”. The duck then asks “Have you got any bread?”.

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Mark Reeves says:

29/07/2005 at 15:01

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice “Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !”.

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild!

The little old man jumps up again and shouts “No, no, play a Jazz chord,play a Jazz chord”

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. “No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord”.

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage “OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!” The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing…

… wait for it …

“A jazz chord to say I ruv you…”

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Brett says:

29/07/2005 at 15:41

Two fish in a tank, one says “you drive i’ll fire the gun!”

Two Swallows on perch, one says “can you smell fish?”

Sorrybut they make me chuckle.

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Mark Reeves says:

16/08/2005 at 10:21

A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named “Amal.” The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responded……………………

“But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.

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Mark Reeves says:

29/09/2005 at 12:37

How do you change a duck into a soul singer?
Put him in a microwave and wait until it’s Bill Withers.

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Chris Billing says:

30/09/2005 at 15:35

President Bush is receiving his daily briefing on Iraq when he learns of the death of three Brazilian soldiers.

“Oh Jesus, Lord No! That’s terrible!” he exclaims, as he dispairingly catches his head in his hands.

The President’s uncommon emotional display leaves his staff stunned, and not knowing how to react to their Commander in Chief’s disproportionate reaction, they await quietly while he regains his composure.

Finally, the most powerful man in the world takes a few considered breaths, straightens his hair and looks to his top aide for confirmation; carefully and precisely he asks… “How many is a brazillion?”

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Mark Reeves says:

21/10/2005 at 15:55

Wasps

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: “Just Released – New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make available now!”

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

“I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”

“Certainly, Sir,” says the young man behind the counter. “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.”

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,

“I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those.”

“I’m sorry Sir”, says the young assistant. “If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.”

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it”, he says, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognise any of those!”

“I’m terribly sorry, Sir” says the young man, “perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.”

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP.”

“I really am terribly sorry”, says the young assistant………………….

“I’ve just realised I was playing you the bee side.”

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Michael Davies (via Chris Samuel) says:

28/10/2005 at 09:01

f(x)=6x+3 walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks “Can I have a couple of sandwiches please?”

The barman replies: “Sorry mate, we don’t cater for functions”

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Steve Woolley says:

08/11/2005 at 14:41

I’ve told my wife I want a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not my main present; it’s more of a stocking filler.

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Rich says:

24/11/2005 at 23:35

Girl: Mummy, do they have big christmas decorations in Vietnam?

Mother: No dear, they’ll probably only hang Glitter this year.

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Brian says:

21/12/2005 at 11:28

Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He drowned in a pool of Vimto!

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Brett says:

23/12/2005 at 10:06

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions.”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Chelmsford, mate.”

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- Wilf says:
  
  20/07/2009 at 15:37
  
  The paramedic then asks Sharon, “How many fingers have I got up?”
  “Oh my god” she cries, “I’m paralysed”
  
  Reply
Steve Woolley says:

11/01/2006 at 15:15

I understand that the Big Brother production team have kindly requested that Michael Barrymore uses the ashtrays provided in the Big Brother house, rather than throwing his used fags in the swimming pool.

I’ll get me coat…

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Tom Skelley says:

12/07/2006 at 12:19

Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a French footballer.

Apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor…

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Hugh says:

20/03/2007 at 23:15

668 next door neighbor of the beast

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Brian says:

24/03/2007 at 21:26

Do you want to come to a Duck do.Huh what’s a Duck do,Quack, Quack

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Lesley says:

24/03/2007 at 22:24

Why is life like a toilet roll?
Because the nearer the end you get the faster it goes. Boom Boom

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Emma Hammond says:

31/05/2007 at 14:36

Apple Computer announced today that it is developing a computer chip that can store and play music in women’s breast implants. The iCup will likely cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Emma Hopping says:

08/06/2007 at 12:16

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper. “Hello ? ”

Is your Daddy home?” he asked. “Yes,” whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” The child whispered, “No.” Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mummy there?” “Yes.” “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, ” No .”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?” “Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy, ” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” “Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the phone’s handset, the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A helicopter, ” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter .” Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME”

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Mark Reeves says:

15/06/2007 at 09:03

I was involved in a minor car accident with a dwarf the other day. He got out and told me in no uncertain terms that he was “not happy”. “Oh, which one are you then?” I asked.

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tammy says:

18/10/2007 at 10:37

how many bees does it take to screw in a light bulb? two, next you’ll wonder how they got in there.

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Jonski says:

12/11/2008 at 07:49

How do you tittilate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

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Paul Pasker says:

12/12/2008 at 10:28

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last month.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote ‘The Hokie Cokey’ died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.

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harry mcallister says:

24/01/2009 at 20:15

An Englishman, Irish man and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The barman says this has got to be a joke.

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dan shine says:

28/01/2009 at 01:17

What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt.

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Anonymous says:

22/05/2009 at 14:47

Why is 6 afraid of 7, cause seven eight nine (seven ate nine)

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- bewildered says:
  
  13/08/2010 at 12:37
  
  Glad you explained that…
  
  Reply
Lydia Button says:

23/05/2009 at 09:20

What Do You Get If You Call 666?

An Upside Down Policeman!

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Fatima Escudero says:

24/06/2009 at 17:18

Have you heard you can now buy Divorce Barbie?
She comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

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Matt says:

21/09/2009 at 12:54

Three Irishmen walked up to a convent and knocked on the door. One of the men ask the sister who answers the door, “Excuse me sister, but do you have any wee little nuns in your convent?”
The sister replies “No, no wee little nuns in my convent.”
The second guy chuckles.
The first man asks, “Excuse me sister, but do you have any wee little nuns in your district?”
The sister replies “No, no wee little nuns in my district.”
The second guy chuckles a little harder.
The first man asks, “Excuse me sister just one last question. Do you have any wee little nuns in all of Ireland?”
The sister replies “No, no wee little nuns in all of Ireland.”
The second guy breaks out laughing while the third guy chants, “Paddy f***ed a penguin!”

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joss says:

05/10/2009 at 20:41

I told my family that i wanted to be a comedian.
They where all laughing.
But they’re not laughing now.

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Bruce says:

29/11/2009 at 07:44

A termite walks into a bar and says “Where’s the bar tender?”

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Anonymous says:

31/12/2009 at 02:49

two men,lenny and artie, are talking in a bar. lenny says to artie, “gee, i hate my wife. i wish i could find someone to hire to kill her.” artie says, “well, we’re friends. i’ll kill her for free.” lenny says, “oh, i could never ask you to do it for free. i’d have to give you a dollar.” artie agrees to the payment of a dollar and is told that lenny’s wife will be at the grocery store the next morning. artie is to grab lenny’swife, choke her and stick her in his car trunk.

the next morning everything goes as planned. artie grabs the wife as she comes out of the store, chokes her and throws her in the trunk of his car. then he happens to notice that a man and woman standing nearby saw him carry out his crime. so he has to choke them too. the store thought it was a big deal and put it up on their reader board: ARTICHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR.

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Sal Saqeb says:

05/02/2010 at 16:00

guy approaches a wizard and says I need your help. I have a 30 inch penis and can’t seem to find a women willing to satisfy my needs as it’s too large. What should I do..?

Wizard says I know a frog that lives deep near the lake down the road. Rumor has it that if you ask him to marry you your penis will lose 5 inches.

So he goes down, finds the frog and figures he’ll try his luck.

Mr frog Mr frog will you marry me…. “no” replies the frog.

Wow it worked my cock has lost 5 inches.

Let me try again

Mr frog Mr frog will you marry me..? No

baam another 5 inches gone

Mr frog mr frog will youy marry me..? Nooo!

baam 15 inches another 5 more inches and I’ll finaly be able to make sweet love to any women.

Mr frog Mr Frog will you marry me…

” how many times must I tell you… No.no NOOO!!!!!!!

Sal..

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Tiago Filipe says:

24/07/2010 at 00:22

A man sits in a bar table and asks a beer. As the barman brings the beer the man sticks hiis finger and gently lets a little spider walk from his finger to the table.
– Why you’re walking around with a spider?!- asks the barman.
– This spider is th strongest animal in Earth!- the man reply.
– Yeah. yeah it can’t even lift that glass of beer. – the barman jokes.
– Wanna bet 1o dollars on it?! -asks the man
– Ok…
As soon as the barman said ok the spider rushed to the glass lift it 3 times and yield:
– Pay up, sucker!
A woman watching said:
– I bet 100 dollars a i doesn’t lift the table.
The spider jumps into the ground, lifts the table 3x and yiels:
– Pay up, sucker!
An old man aproches and say:
– I’ve a bet for you. You, me , the barman and this ladie will climb into this chair if your spider lift us up this 10.000 dollars will be yours!
The man smiled and start climbing to the chair followed buy the woman, the barman….
As the old man was climbing a drunk walks into the bar and saw that scene: four people up in a chair with a little spider next to it.
He runs towards them and …
BLAM he squashes the spider with his shoe. He looks to the people in the chair and says:
– You pussies!!

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Anon says:

06/10/2011 at 14:03

What do donkeys have for their dinner?

About half an hour.

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