tags: Nice Things
Tell me a joke….
June 8th, 2005, by Rich.
Tell me a joke. No really; please, tell me a joke. A good one. I feel the need to hear a pants-wettingly-funny story. It can be your favourite, or one you overheard on the bus. Anything that genuinely approaches bladder-failure material will receive the honour of making it through moderation and will appear for public enjoyment.
September 30th, 2005 at 3:35 pm
President Bush is receiving his daily briefing on Iraq when he learns of the death of three Brazilian soldiers.
“Oh Jesus, Lord No! That’s terrible!” he exclaims, as he dispairingly catches his head in his hands.
The President’s uncommon emotional display leaves his staff stunned, and not knowing how to react to their Commander in Chief’s disproportionate reaction, they await quietly while he regains his composure.
Finally, the most powerful man in the world takes a few considered breaths, straightens his hair and looks to his top aide for confirmation; carefully and precisely he asks… “How many is a brazillion?”
October 21st, 2005 at 3:55 pm
Wasps
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye: “Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make available now!”
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
“I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I’d very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window.”
“Certainly, Sir,” says the young man behind the counter. “If you’d like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I’ll put the LP on for you.”
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces,
“I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those.”
“I’m sorry Sir”, says the young assistant. “If you’d care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes.”
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. “I don’t understand it”, he says, “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can’t recognise any of those!”
“I’m terribly sorry, Sir” says the young man, “perhaps if you’d like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes.”
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. “I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP.”
“I really am terribly sorry”, says the young assistant………………….
“I’ve just realised I was playing you the bee side.”
October 28th, 2005 at 9:01 am
f(x)=6x+3 walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and asks “Can I have a couple of sandwiches please?”
The barman replies: “Sorry mate, we don’t cater for functions”
November 8th, 2005 at 2:41 pm
I’ve told my wife I want a wooden leg for Christmas. It’s not my main present; it’s more of a stocking filler.
November 24th, 2005 at 11:35 pm
Girl: Mummy, do they have big christmas decorations in Vietnam?
Mother: No dear, they’ll probably only hang Glitter this year.
December 21st, 2005 at 11:28 am
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic? He drowned in a pool of Vimto!
December 23rd, 2005 at 10:06 am
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions.”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon, is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Chelmsford, mate.”
January 11th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
I understand that the Big Brother production team have kindly requested that Michael Barrymore uses the ashtrays provided in the Big Brother house, rather than throwing his used fags in the swimming pool.
I’ll get me coat…
July 12th, 2006 at 12:19 pm
Sophie Ellis Bextor has been found headbutted to death in the apartment of a French footballer.
Apparently it was murder on Zidanes floor…
March 20th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
668 next door neighbor of the beast